this is a message for jay, the dude who is going to be stationed near seoul. first, how the hell did you find my blog? it'd be like finding a needle in a stack of pickled cabbage.

anyways. jay asked for tips on people coming into korea. i suppose i could help all y'all... lots of people are talking about coming here.

first off, jay, camp red cloud? you're a US serviceman? i think you should brace yourself for a bit of rudeness on the part of most koreans, especially the puffy-chested young men who may attempt to inflict the pain of their taekwondo feet upon you. koreans are more consistently nationalistic and proud than most of the americans i've met, and some of them have a real hatred for foreigners, especially US servicemen. some of them just want to try and see what you're made of, it's a very competitive culture.

there's a really good thread on the www.eslcafe.com discussion board about whether or not korean men can actually fight (some can, the others pretend they can and get beat up really bad or run to their thirty friends and then the police arrest the foreigner who was most likely just defending himself).

http://www.eslcafe.com/forums/korea/index.php -just do a search about fights and you'll get tons of shit. ESL teachers are career alcoholics for the most part, therefore they're always scuffling with peacock-y koreans who are convinced of their superiority. the word seems to be that if you have a little grappling skill you'll do fine against the slaphappy taekwondo kids because all they really know how to do is kick. get in close and "gag him silly" as otis would say.

in fact, the eslcafe.com korea forums are probably good for anyone coming here, not just english teachers. there's a question and answer forum, usually any question is answered within 24 hours by the waegooks here.

first, i would learn a bit of korean. even with all the people studying english here, there sure aren't all that many who can speak it.

good phrases:

anyong-hahsae-yo "hello"
kamsa-am-nida "thank you very much"
yae-"yes"
(place name)-ro kajusayo "go here please" i.e. "itaewon-ro-kajusayo"
mekju jesayo-"beer please"

and when you pronounce anything ending in "dong", don't say it so it rhymes with "wrong", say it "dooung", from the back of your throat somewhat. they won't understand you.

go to kyobo bookstore, it's right near seoul city hall which has its own subway stop. find "roadmap to korean" by richard harris in the "foreigner section". it's only about 10 bucks US and a great way to learn a little korean and learn about the seemingly indecipherable array of customs related to social interaction koreans have. if you learn a few of those, your stay will be much more palatable than many foreigners'.

go for a few subway rides when you're in seoul. the subway is huge, and a really good system. you can go anywhere on it. go to yongsan market and buy electronics for 200 bucks cheaper than anywhere else in the world.

my main advice is to be as polite as humanly possible. make a korean friend or two, because after the initial ice breaking, koreans are extremely warm, generous and loyal people. i've said before, after "hello", the first thing any korean will say to you is "have you eaten?". there's a genuine concern for your well being here, due to fear of famine being a fairly recent memory for anyone over 30 here.

really, if you make a few korean friends, your life will improve immeasurably. they'll want to show you all the cool places, take you out for food (and never let you pay), teach you about their customs, and touch your leg. like i've said before, even the gay people in korea aren't gay - so leg-touching and shoulder-rubbing between men is not met with fears of homosexual activity, don't blanche if someone does it to you. often these kids are being your friend to improve their englishee, but they are being genuine too. friendship is very important to koreans and they don't just throw it around.

if you have any specific questions go ahead and email me. we can go fetch a mekju when you get to korea. you win respect if you can drink a korean under the table, so i can help you practice.

Urghttph-who are you? duct tape man is a superhero. every so often i'll come into a room, people will say "sean, where have you been, duct tape man was just here!" and i'll be like "aww, i missed him. AGAIN!" as i adjust my glasses and tie.

so i put some photos up on my msn page... some of my students, andong, and the amazing BABY HUNT store.

http://groups.msn.com/uberscheisse/shoebox.msnw

word. nothing new really, i have a hangover that could fell an army. soju and i will never, ever get along.

people have been bugging for an update. there's not much new to tell really except for a teaching thing that happened yesterday.

i was teaching one of my two 'problem classes', full of kids just hitting puberty, full of hormones and energy. these are two classes whose students i like individually but HATE as a group. i mean i really sink down into petty hatreds of these little punks. as soon as i start talking, three of them start talking. i'll say "jo yong hihae" which startled them the first week i'd learned it but now they just keep talking. in korean.

it really throws me off, i try to start teaching about some weird idiomatic thing, and they distract me by talking. i eventually graduate to "shut up" and then attempt to kick some kid out of the class. they'll then all sit there silent, while the offending kid just stares at his or her book, refusing to leave. one time i stood over this one annoying little bitch kyoung-jin who deliberately uses disrespectful language in korean in hopes i'll find out what it is and realize how much she hates me... for like 10 minutes i just kept repeating "leave now. get out of my class. leave now" while everyone was just silent. i ended up giving up and leaving myself.

so we're talking about this one story. my classes are lighthearted, and inevitably the discussion digresses to topics such as wrestling, PC games, handphones... korean stuff. at one point this one kid is trying to say "i am riding a bicycle" but she says "I am a bicycle!" which makes me laugh and i say back "you are a bicycle?" and don't give it a second thought, as i turn back to the two other dudes and start talking about choke-slams and pile drivers again.

about 30 seconds later, after muttering in korean, this girl starts freaking out and slamming her notebook on her desk super loud.

even if she's rightfully pissed about something, that's inappropriate. especially by korean confucian standards. in canada i'd say "What's wrong?" but in korea i'm a god so i say "get out". she sits there and just glowers at her book. koreans do see the teacher as a god, but they also hate taking shit from a foreigner... and unlike a middle school teacher, i'm not allowed to smack her. so she knows i can't do anything but yell at her in front of the class. embarrassing for her right now but in 1/2 an hour it'll be a badge of honor.

"get out. leave the class now." i repeat this a couple of times, and then totally lose my shit because it's been a rather rough day.

"GET OUT!!!" i holler as loud as i possibly can. anyone of you who has ever attempted to give me silent treatment before has been witness to how much it enrages me... today was no exception, because the kid just sat there indignant. i lost my temper as much as i could within the boundaries of my job. i really wanted to be korean and just drill the kid in the face.

so i got up, grabbed her chair and turned it towards the door. i then said "i can always carry you out" to which the little shit stands up and stomps out.

the rest of the class is quiet and reserved. i hear monster talking to her outside the classroom. i walk out and tell him my version of what happened. she whispers in korean to monster...

he takes me aside and says "you said she was a bicycle... she is going through her... uh... change of life... right now and her voice changes, she is very shy about it. she thinks you said that she squeaks like a bicycle"

i've been involved in some pretty odd misunderstandings before, but this one takes the cake. i got monster to tell her that it was something totally unrelated to her pubescence, just to the story we were reading, about a dude practicing for a bike race. she didn't seem to take that as an explanation. or the fact that he scolded her for freaking out in class.

so i pulled her back in the class and had the job of explaining what a 'misunderstanding' was to 8 kids who really don't give a shit if they learn english... to the point where they don't want to understand what a misunderstanding or an apology is.

banging your book on the table, menarche PMS episode or not, is still inappropriate and i stand by screaming at the kid, because, well, this is korea.

if it was the US or Canada i'd probably get sued for causing nervous suffering and end up on a few daytime talk shows with right wing fruitcakes backing me up and trailer park lowest-common-denominators masquerading as person's rights advocates telling me to 'not go there' and that i am a bad person.

teaching can take a flying leap. really, the only things i'm interested in are beer, rock and roll and naked women. but that's for "sean o'leary's dirty blog" which may or may not exist, ma.

seoul. seoul is grand. for those of you who got my group email, you know my motivations for my visit to seoul; they will unfold in the months to come. if you're reading this blog and you're curious what said motivations are, send me an email.

first, after honing my 'attack', i took a lengthy subway journey to yongsan market, a crazy place where you can buy ridiculously discounted audio/visual/computer gadgetry. i got myself a canon S50 digital camera with an extra 128 mb memory card for 550,000 won. that's about 550 bucks. i'm pretty sure that after taxes, the same package would be about 650 canadian bucks. but who knows. actually, dell.ca is selling it for 750 dollars CDN. holy shit. shitty thing is i need a voltage converter for it, it's made for the japanese market, and they have the same kinds of plugs as we do in canada.

next was a trip to "lotte world" and for those of you who waded through my "political economy" post you'd know just how much big corporations permeate life here. well lotte, the big food company, has this crazy indoor vegas-like amusement park. it has a rollercoaster that monster, six of the hagwon kids and myself decided to go on four times. given that queues are generally a little more intense in asia, it was a bit tiresome standing around. there are no chiropractors in this country, so i felt like shit at the end of the evening. plus i swear the place is made of bird flu. they were going to try concrete and drywall but they decided on bird flu.

but my theory with rollercoasters is that they're too damn short. you spend an hour waiting in line for 1.5 minutes of speed and loops. that's why i'm going to invent the ALL DAY rollercoaster. you get on, and 8 hours later your soul is fully cleansed of iniquity. ALL DAY ROLLERCOASTER. and i thought BABY HUNT was a good band name...

the real fish bone in my craw about this trip was the jim-jil-bang, the public bathhouse. now a bathhouse is a good idea. it's public shower/sauna/hot spring thing right in the city. it's relaxing as hell after schlepping around seoul for a day and getting lost 3 times on the subway.

then i found out we weren't sleeping in a hotel, we were sleeping in the dorm rooms at the jim-jil-bang. which is fine i guess. it's warm, you get clean pillows and stuff. korean floors are padded as hell and the heating comes from pipes under the floor. why bitch at midnight when monster has kept you up pretty much the whole night before (see last post)? so i go have myself hottub sit with a bunch of other naked dudes, take a nice shower, wonder if i'm burning any retinae with my caucasian-ness... and retire to the sleeping room.

korean men snore.

oh my god, do they snore. like wildebeests with asthma.

there were about 20 men in the room that was about the size of 4 living rooms. about 5 of them were snoring so loud that wadded up toilet paper and 2 pillows over my head didn't help. once again, i got about 3 hours of sleep.

then i woke up to find that the "genius" of korean technology, the heated floor, had given me a nice first-degree burn on my left hip. i always sleep on my left side, and i guess the heat was so high it burnt my skin through the quilt-mattress that hannah claimed "was so good for your back". what a crock.

yeah so the jim-jil-bang is another part of korean culture that should be experienced... but once you've experienced it, you can truly live without it. if i want another mineral bath i'll sprinkle epsom salts on my arse in the shower.

the rest of the day was spent trying to ditch monster and the kids (who i actually really like). seoul is great... i can't wait to live there, hee hee hee (rubs hands together evilly).

i finally got to hook up with my good buddy mr. lee, one of the kindest people i've ever met. we had some beers, ramyun and soju and a bunch of good conversation.

and now i'm back in andong planning something sinister that will hopefully end with tragedy for some and comedy for others.

monster needs to be murdered. seriously, just kill him in his sleep. euthanize him, because anyone as repugnant as him should be considered terminally ill.

he gets home at 4am from who-the-fuck-knows where, madame kim's hummer hut or the ka-chee-no... i dunno. he promptly turns on the TV super loud. it's about a foot from my head. did i mention that korean houses are not insulated?

anyways, i get up at about 5:30 to take a piss and he says "oh, sorry sean. is TV too loud?" and i say "yeah".

about 10 minutes later, he's snoring louder than the TV. i have an important 'appoinment' in seoul today and my bottom eyelids look like i just did 10 rounds with tank abbott. i have dark circles under my eyes on a good day when i haven't had a beer in a week and i've had 8 hours of sleep.

umm yeah. i should have stabbed him.

LIVE THE DREAM, STAB YOUR BOSS.

what's worse is i'm in a PC room and these two korean dudes are arguing. some girl is humping this game of online tetris, pounding the keys of her computer with such alacrity it's like she's saving her children from the jaws of a lion... another guy is listening to this cover version of "last christmas" by WHAM! except they've put a harmonizer on the singer's vocals so she sounds like alvin and the chipmunks.

adults listen to this music. ADULTS. starcraft is a popular sport over here. i mean people make a million canadian dollars a year playing professional starcraft. PC game pros. sometimes the culture shock just won't quit.

i'm buying a digital camera today. canon IXUS 400 (korean version of the digital ELPH) or supershot s50?

i just spent some money. i bought an 80 dollar shirt, 15 dollar fake gap khakis and 20 dollar licensed doc martens.

showed some photos to my students, they saw a picture of my parents' front yard and were in awe of the size of it...

"TEACHA.... ARE YOU RICH?!?!?!?"

they must be screwed in the head because they saw one photo of my brother mark and said "oooh, he is a handsome man".

not to mention the "ooooh... stone cold steve austin" reaction of pretty much every student who saw a photo of my dad.

also, my package from greg bennick arrived. "sean, here's some CDs, a magazine, two movie posters and a drawing of four dicks".

because of greg, i can stroll placidly around andong listening to slayer. it's amazing how much you miss a record after hearing it at least once a week for about 13 years...

Trapped in purgatory
A lifeless object, alive
Awaiting reprisal
Death will be their acqueisence

The sky is turning red
Return to power draws near
Fall into me, the sky's crimson tears
Abolish the rules made of stone

Pierced from below, souls of my treacherous past
Betrayed by many, now ornaments dripping above

Awaiting the hour of reprisal
Your time slips away

Raining blood
From a lacerated sky
Bleeding its horror
Creating my structure
Now I shall reign in blood.


ahh, slayer. they're like a cup of warm cocoa. so comforting. nothing comes close.

email from cam sylvester, old family friend and one of those community college instructors who teaches you more in 3 months than 8 lazy, tenured fruitcakes or 800 tense-as-shit UBC sessionals could have taught you in 2 years at UBC:


| | | Inbox


Sean,
Sounds wild and wonderful. THe Koreans have chaebols, but they are
basically the same things as zaibatsu.

BTW, don't let your cultural sensitivity stop you if you
see something that goes against your inner core, like a guy beating up
his girlfriend. Even in a culturally relevant world you need to hold on
to what's true to you.
Cam

so yeah, it's the same thing as a zaibatsu. it seemed too similar to be anything but. and the real reason i didn't intervene was not the dong-dong-ju or beer making me lazy, it was the fact that there were 6 korean cops nearby who would likely have arrested me instead of the girl-beatin' asshole.

so now that i've been paid, a real load has been lifted from my mind. some of you have expressed genuine concern for my sanity, and apart from the gurgly feeling in my gut about not getting paid, things are alright.

i realized that with all my bitching, party stories and assertions of western superiority, i haven't even said a word about andong. and that is truly a crime.

andong is about the size of vernon, but with a population of 120,000. the city is actualy alot like vernon, kind of in a valley but with a big river running through it. there's a whole bunch of historical sites around here, old restored villages that are from as early as the 1300s. really cool.

if you have zero interest in my synthesis of personal experience and political studies 100, stop reading here and start re-reading at the next dotted line.
--------

korea in general is polar opposite to canada. it's very confucian, and from my understanding, confucianism dictates a top-down power structure with an infallible male monarch at the top, and the relationships between individuals are governed upon lines of age and gender, with older, male people being of superior rank to younger and female people. therefore, if you were to draw some chart with the benevolent dictator at the very top, lower ranks would cascade down in a series of triangles. you do not question your rank, and you do exactly what you're told by the higher rank. it would be a good system if the people in higher ranks weren't perenially full of shit. people in power tend to be in most cases.

confucian countries - china, korea, taiwan basically. singapore too.

china? a crazy place with more problems than i could even hope to comprehend. fascinating, but if someone in power there sneezes or farts, 100,000 people die. i think it's why their switch to communism was so brutal - chairman mao as supreme leader of a zillion people with centuries of confucian baggage - only with rhetoric of equality for all and destruction of the bourgeois class... i think marx and engels had a decidedly more peaceful transfer of power in mind.

taiwan? polluted as shit. korea? polluted as shit, a bit xenophobic, and corruption runs absolutely rampant in the business and government communities. i've been here for a month and the cover stories of the korean times have EVERY DAY, i shit you not, had something about a government, NGO or big business official resigning. cash grabs, payoffs... i think gordon campbell should get a job here.

the reason for this is, in my understanding, the zaibatsu;

http://www.bartleby.com/65/za/zaibatsu.html

zaibatsus were formerly monied gentry or some shit like that... then during the rebuilding of korea and japan after their respective war experiences, the zaibatsus became somewhat integrated into the government. government and big business operate here in a way that could be thought of as conflict of interest back home - they truly massage each other, and it is acceptable. government promotes and actively manipulates big business to stimulate the economy - and make rich dudes richer. trickle-down economics, confucian style.

i heard a story about there being a holiday in japan - and it sounds way too silly to be true, but it would make sense with a sort of zaibatsu relationship in place - but on this holiday, everyone puts their old (1 year old, it's a yearly event) stereo/AV gear out on their doorstep and gets a subsidy to buy new stereo/AV gear. the girl i heard talking about it said her friend, who was teaching in japan at the time, just walked down the street picking up stereo gear that was still totally useable, destined for the garbage dump. free shit. recycling never crossed anyone's mind and as todd flintstone http://todd.digiplebes.com says, japan has the highest per capita garbage incinerators in the world. could be part of the reason asia has a "brown cloud" over it. it sure as hell ain't my farts though i try.

from what i can see, korea has a similar relationship as japan's; the major zaibatsu-style corporations - and there's really only about 10 corporations in korea that have any great weight - are samsung, hyundai, lotte, and LG. did you know samsung made cars? i didn't. it's crazy. i have seen a grand total of two non-korean cars here, which leads me to believe that there is an insane import duty on them - monster even told me it costs about 120,000 to buy an audi A6 here, i believe they're about 40,000 back home. john? am i right? anyways, it's also weird, there's a million cars here, and i've never seen one more than ten years old. i've seen one hyundai pony, in seoul. remember them? this could be for two reasons - somewhat of a zaibatsu in place, with koreans being either helped or urged to buy new cars to promote the economy, or perhaps, since the economy here was in the absolute shitter about 10 years ago, maybe the idea of everyone having a car is rather recent.

it's a weird transition for me, coming from vancouver where you can't fart without hitting someone who rants about corporate rule and big business being in the pocket of government and/or vice versa. corporations here are omnipresent, and no-one bats an eyelash. of course - it's confucian. don't question ANYTHING, just shut up and work and die. oh and be sure to get married while you're at it.

my friend mr. lee lives in a samsung apartment block. samsung owns and manages apartments, as does hyundai and they ARE ALL IDENTICAL. there is very little architectural difference in korea at all, and it's pretty surreal. i live in a hyundai apartment. i used to think it was ugly but for some reason the utilitarian quality of it is growing on me a little. just a little though.

a korean's socialization is guided by a few things. one is a real fear that korea is going to be taken over - either by the communists, the USA, Japan, or foreign english teachers. imagine that... a bunch of alcoholics staging a coup... but seriously, there's that sort of xenophobia, also confucianism, a serious national pride - very few koreans seem to think leaving korea is a good idea, even on holiday - and a sense that corporations have rebuilt the country after the war and they are the reason for any comfort koreans have now.

i think this is the reason steve tried to talk me out of intervening when that moron was slapping his girlfriend; it's likely i would have looked a lot like douglas macarthur to the guy and if i implored him to not hit his girl all he would have heard was "YOU COMMIE JAP CHINAMEN... MAKE BIGGER CARS, STOP EATING ALL THAT RICE AND MAKE YOURSELVES SOME HAMBURGER SANDWICHES!!! WE SHOULD HAVE NUKED YOU IN 'NAM!!!". so it's a good thing i held back i suppose.

food is important here - after years and years of near famine in many places, koreans have it pretty good, but still, the second thing anyone says to you after "hello" is "have you eaten?" and it is of grave concern to them. as is marriage. people find out i'm 32 and say "oh my god, are you married yet?!?" because if you hit 30 and you're unmarried, you are a pitiable screwup who is either bankrupt, socially inept or gay. but nobody's gay here. even the gay people i think.

i try to explain "i'm not married because bitches is mental" but they don't understand.

i think this should be the end of the lecture. i'm probably only half right on a lot of it anyways.
------

food here is amazing. here's a synopsis:

danjiang - korean miso soup. it has a similar taste to japanese miso but it's less finely crushed so the end result is a salty lentil soup-type mixture, usually with peppers, dooboo (tofu), onions, and these really awesome korean wild greens that are kinda like fiddleheads.

chop-cheh - a noodle dish, usually with pork but i try my hardest to nix that. it's fried in sesame oil.

go din ah - (sp?) salted mackerel. an andong specialty, they're a major exporter of godinah. usually barbecued or oven broiled. so salty, so tasty.

and bibimbab (rice bowl) and soondooboo (soft tofu stew) are staples. it's the wild greens that make everything so damn good.

beer? hite, OB and cass. hite has a stout that is like vancouver island hermann's dark lager, otherwise korean beers are usually passable asian lagers. OB is my fave, it's kinda german tasting. cass is the most common draft, and it's ok tasting but it comes with massive hangovers installed and serviced, no matter how much you drink.

stay away from soju and dongdong ju, it makes you feel like a wizard but the next day you're reduced to something akin to smeagol... seriously heinous shit.

that's about it. i think i just wanted to let everyone know that, despite my stress of late, i am having a really good time here. i wanted to have at least one positive-sounding blog update...

and dave alexandre... ph.d. student or no, you are not smart. BRUCE ALMIGHTY is the SHIT! of course, god doesn't look like the dude from the shawshank redemption, HE LOOKS LIKE GANDALF! I CAN PROVE IT! so it does have that one flaw. and the sappy god and romance shit at the end. plus jennifer anus-town is an annoying bong-voiced nerd. but BRUCE ALMIGHTY IS THE SHIT!!!

can you tell that with an extreme lack of movie choices that my taste is adapting in a rather negative way?

paid in full.

who knew?

at this point it could be a ploy before he really gets a chance to screw me big time... but i was paid in full today.

weird.

it's d-day mark II. let's see if monster throws down. if he doesn't, he'll be breaking his third promise. that's the camel's back right there. the smallest amount i'll take from the shit-apple is 1 million won. he owes me 1.5 but 1 million will show me he's at least half way to being a regular businessman who pays his employees. i'll update after work to tell you whether or not i'm showing up tomorrow.

and here's a few bitches. i got a crappy sleep last night, so i'm in an uncommonly crabby mood. cultural relativism is going out the freakin' window today, and i'm going to be a westerner with a superiority complex for, oh, five minutes.

1. korean pop music is the worst thing in the world. by far. i really think skrewdriver is less of a crime. what's worse is the shit that accompanies online games in korea - the kids don't seem to notice they've heard the same crappy version of the backstreet boys 800 times in an hour. super loud. (i'm in a PC room).

2. the asian habit of hawking up phlegm is, while maybe a good idea, completely nauseating. i wake up EVERY MORNING to monster doing it in the kitchen sink. what's worse, he has his own style where he makes this ridiculously loud vomiting noise before he hawks up his oyster. so every morning... "HWWWWWOOOAARGH... HWWWRAAAAAWWWWK... HWWRAAWWWRK.... *ptooey*". it's truly savage.

3. the sewers here are gross and only about 6 inches below the road.

i'm a whiner but for the last five minutes i've been RIGHT.

i think it's going to be impossible to go for too long in this country without a decent fight story. mark and danielle are leaving to travel the world, so we drank numerous jugs of beer and three people got extremely drunken overseas birthday phone calls from me. i sure hope i didn't cuss when i was on the phone to meaghan who is now 11 and one of the best people in the world.

anyways we're drinking and since mark's leaving he has to get rid of the fireworks he accumulated while in the 'dong. so they all go down to the street and start shooting roman candles in the air. i stay inside because it's colder than a witch's booty.

from the window we see these 10 or so korean teenage boys walk past mark, and purposely step in the way of the fireworks as if to say "why are you shooting roman candles at me, waegook?" and they get all pissed off and start getting in mark's face.

mark is a mellow, friendly little man but he's also a hapkido dude and a bit of a wrecker. everyone else is much larger than these taegookie fruit baskets who are each about 65 pounds soaking wet. this one drunk bozo starts shrieking "you go, you get out! go away from here! police will come!" and everyone starts laughing at them. this exacerbates the rage of the soju rebels who start a chest-puffing teenage display of drunken bravery that only serves to make us laugh harder. i go outside just in case there's a chance i can stick my face in the way of a flying foot, but it ended without a scuffle.

it was just funny, buddy was freaking out and his friend was trying to play the peacemaker in broken english "you go away from here now... my friend angry" and it was just like some bad movie. yeah your friend's angry, dipshit, but he's smaller than my cat and he needs a quick trip to detox.

yeah, not a really good fight story, but funny enough. you kinda had to be there. kinda reminded me of the story of sean lande and the turkish gangster kids in germany... "fuck your muzzer!!! fuck your family!!!"... except these dudes were just a bunch of drunk xenophobic ESL shitheads, not crazy german ghetto locs who'd bust ein cap in mein hinde.

i don't think they have detox centers in korea. i think they'd see it as some sort of high treason.

you can now post comments on my blog. thanks izzy!

oh, one more thing. i heard a crazy rumor that "josh gay" of seattle, WA is quite enamored with the second greatest sex - more specifically, he engages in lurid, nude relations with other men. not that there's anything wrong with that, in fact i'm quite proud of him for being so open about it. i just thought the world should know. josh gay, here's to you. kudos!

today i get an email from the legendary otis:

"I would kick monster's ass, or any of his henchmen,I could also teach some fucked up english.HA!HA! If they pay shit money they get shit english, EH! I'm glad to be there with you in spirit. I will be thinking of you all the best in what ever you decide to do.Otis"

next time you talk to otis, get him to tell you the one about the two newfie girls he met in australia who had been teaching english in korea... something about "two-fer where ye at baaay" not being in the korean-english dictionary...

also, i watched a drunk korean dude slap his girlfriend around really bad last night from a table in a restaurant. i went outside to try to break it up and if you've seen any of the scars on my face and my chipped tooth you'll know how well my peacemaking efforts have gone in the past. i shouted at him and in my half-cut state i was probably going to offer my face as his next target, but the police got to him before i did. steve, one of the andong foreigners was just shaking his head as if to say "you've only been in korea a month, haven't you". shit like that happens all the time. a man can hit a woman, nobody will do shit.

what's more, if you're older than someone you can slap them around and not get in trouble. it's technically illegal, but nobody will do shit about it.

monster says he's older than me, 33. thing is, koreans count their ages differently. when a western kid pops outta his mom, he's 0 years old. koreans are 1 year old when they pop outta their moms.

therefore, i'm at least 6 or 7 months older than monster if i count my age korean style. he isn't even allowed to raise his voice to me.

a small comfort, but a funny one. maybe i will beat him up.

another thing worthy of mention: after not getting paid in full on thursday, i taught a whole lesson on shit and barf. the kids here seem as obsessed with bodily functions as i am, they're always drawing pictures of "doong" underneath the pictures of animals in their work books. so after not getting paid, i decided "what the hell, let's change the curriculum a bit". i taught everything from clinical words like "feces","vomit" and "diahrrea" to "kaka", "poo", "barf" and other stuff. it was brilliant. shit, if those kids ever get to canada, the states or england, they're gonna need real survival skills. so i gave them survival skills. next i'll give them weed and scotch. i'm the best teacher in the world.

really important update-i finally had a bowel movement and i feel a whole lot less like john wayne. "well of course... why do you think they called him the DUKE?!?" -johnny knoxville, after being informed that 'john wayne had 26 pounds of impacted feces in his colon when he died'

ok so this morning's got me feeling a little homesick. i woke up with a hell of a lot of thought going around in my head... like more thought than normal. is there a unit of measurement for thought? gigathoughts?

firstly, i think it is crucial to pay heed to the teachings of one of the world's great social theorists, tony "otis" williamson of kelowna via st. john NB. "LIVE THE DREAM, PUNCH YOUR BOSS". almost daily he would berate me with that whilst being nagged to take shorter breaks and clean just one more window like we didn't ever get the job done anyways.

i got paid 400,000 won. 400 measly dollars. "oh sean, i have money problems this month. you endure, please".

to which i replied "that's just not acceptable. i didn't come to korea for a holiday, i came to make money. if you don't pay me, i have to take some sort of action".

he waffles a bit because he knows i have the upper hand. "well, sean, you know we really love you here, the students love you, we don't want to have same problem as mark and steve, they leaving before contract is finish".

i think i scared him as much as some wet-behind-the-ears snow mexican can scare a manipulative, pushy bitch. "this is what needs to happen. you need to pay me the full amount by monday, or i have to take measures to ensure my own safety".

at which point he started doing his "over-friendly boss" thing where he pats my shoulder and it feels like i'm on my hands and knees in the confessional like a 9-year-old residential school choirboy... "sean you don't worry, you listen to mark, monty, steve, they all crazy, they think i am bad guy".

"mr. kim, at this point i have as much reason to believe them and bill (who is getting dicked around too, his outstanding shit is supposedly going to be paid a month from now) as i have to believe you" and he shut up, we talked about basic banking stuff and he agreed to give me 200,000 today and the remaining 1.3 million on monday. i told him "i'm helping my parents pay their mortgage and finance the renovation of their house" which is a decidedly confucian value that gave him much reason to believe that I NEED TO BE PAID.

it sucks that bill didn't work for the PHS, it's astonishing how good my bullshit-detecting skills have developed. "oh, he just wants to go up to gary's room to get his jacket!". yes, i believe you. i'd like to see balogh the warden deal with my boss. it'd be funny.

like i have to justify that shit. my job is to show up, teach english, and not open my mouth. his job is to PAY ME. not blow my fucking paycheck at "ka-chee-no" or the whorehouse.

so, well, i may be in taiwan by the time my next blog update occurs.

again, don't worry about me. i still have enough money to fly the coop, and while this is an insulting waste of my time, i have developed a really mellow perspective on this whole boondoggle.

1. i got fed and housed and even clothed (he gave me a bathrobe) in a foreign country for a month. not cheap, even in korea.
2. i had fun, made some new friends and learned how to get around korea.
3. i got some valuable job experience, and learned alot of how to govern myself in a classroom and how to deal with a bunch of spoiled, shrieking fruitcake children.

so in that respect, i've come out on top. i've wasted a month doing stupider shit, and as far as personal trauma goes, i wouldn't trade this month for a month living with meredith mitchell and her piss-happy cats. i wouldn't trade this for getting my tongue bit off by aaron brown. i wouldn't trade this month for any month working at the t-shirt factory or at ace window cleaners. i wouldn't trade this for any month i spent unemployed.

the only reason this is a real pain in the ass is that i want to be flying across cambodia and vietnam on my OWN motorcycle (not a rental) by this time next year. this is just an obstacle for the plan and for that reason i should LIVE THE DREAM, PUNCH MY BOSS.

otis is a genius, everyone should spend at least an hour with otis before they leave this mortal coil. if he gets his own TV show like we planned, you may just get that chance.

some other updates:

i was vegetarian for a good ten years. i started eating fish again during an ill-advised sojourn on cortes island, and that was a wise decision since fish don't feel shit when you bonk 'em so who cares. now i'm in korea and it's pretty impossible to avoid accidentally eating meat because they crank it into EVERYTHING. i don't dislike the taste of meat, so i just pull a 'when in rome' attitude because it's highly rude to be picking shit out of your mouth as you eat or leaving bits of food on your plate. i'm big on manners.

so anyways, in a month i've probably eaten a full meat based meal, by accident or out of politeness. i had an all-you-can-eat joint in okdong recommended to me. i get there, and it's one of those korean barbecue joints. i walk in, and think about walking out because i see the big long line of meat. i think for a second, and decide aw, "who cares? let's try seeing how the stupid half lives". so i sat down, filled my plate up with fresh beef, lamb and chicken. slapped that shit on the grill, and cooked myself a really tasty feast with samjang, lettuce wraps, garlic and onions, kimchi and dried fish. i ate a lot and it was really quite delicious. then i met yong-tak for a couple of pints at the wa bar.

so now it's morning. i don't think there's any irony in the fact that, given my diet over the last 24 hours and my boss' dipshittery that i woke up with ICE CUBE playing in my head.

"Went to mom's house and dropped a load in the bathroom... Jumped back in my low rider, Comin out feelin about ten pounds lighter... Went to Bone's house so I can get the gat, Looking for the place where all the hoes kick it at" steady mobbin', from the 1991 album "death certificate"

for a compelling argument for "why one should not eat meat", try eating meat sometime. i feel like homemade shit right now and could stand to lose about ten pounds if the shit would just MOVE. anyone got some exaraxxa?

ICE CUBE also raps a lot about getting paid in that song. "i'm out ta get rich, cause life ain't nothin' but money and..." oh yeah, my mom reads this blog. or, how about "stopped givin' juice to the raiders, 'cause al davis never paid us... i hope he's wearin' a vest"...

shitty thing is, there's no guns in this country.

what else? meaghan, if your mom has let you read this far... well if she hasn't she's a hypocrite because she swears like a sailor in prison, happy birthday kiddo. i haven't got you anything yet because i haven't figured out what 'store that sells stuff that kids like' is in korean. but expect a package soon.

happy birthday to john and hannah too. happy valentine's day everyone. sorry for the long update but i think the shit i ate last night is now exerting pressure on some part of my brain that makes me run off at the mouth.

bill got paid today. he was owed 2.9 million won.

he was paid 150,000 won.

i get paid in two days. i suppose i do not need to tell you that various forms of matter are churning in my lower intestine.

also-i found out some bad news. if i want to stay in korea, i have to stick it out until may.

here is the reason: i have no E2 visa. you absolutely must have the real copy of your degree IN HAND when you go to apply for work here. wonny and the girls pulled some strings, and no doubt the fact i'm working at a shit hagwon is because i am quasi-legal. well, illegal. so, if i bail on monster, i can't work anywhere else in korea, for fear he'll report me to immigration.

so, what will happen is this. i will stick it out until my degree arrives in may. i can't receive it until may, though i've completed all the requirements, processing and shit. i am certain that i will get paid in full at least for this month, he doesn't want me to pull a midnight run.

so if i get paid shit for the next three months after that, i'll still have about 4 grand in the bank to go do what i want with. when my degree arrives, i can get any job in korea. i either have to bail to japan or taiwan or eat shit for 3 months.

more later. i'll tell y'all what happened with bill and my payday on wednesday night.

so i met steve last night, another former REI employee. he took me aside and BEGGED me to 'f**k monster over before he f**ks you". censored for the benefit of the younger readers.

bill was promised an advance of 300,000 won (about 300 bucks). monster said "i transferred the money on wednesday", and tonight bill was unable to access the funds. bill is at his wits' end, monster owes him 3 million. he has promised to pay him on the 9th; my payday is on the 12th. so who knows if he's going to have the 1.9 million he will owe me on that day?

so yeah, i'm still packed and ready to go. well not packed to the point where monster would get suspicious, but ready to pack. it'll take me all of 15 minutes.

a few new developments:

1. i asked for my own apartment. mr. kim looked a little flustered and then said he'd take care of it sometime in march. i asked for march 1, he said that may be possible. we'll see. this whole thing is a waiting game and it's getting kind of annoying since nobody waits for my ass around here. i'm on time, i fulfill my end of the bargain, i teach kids to speak english, i'm an hour early for work every day.

it's annoying as hell because i don't get the privacy i'm used to. not that i enjoy walking around in the buff, but i could do that in my last home if i wanted to. his five year old son will just walk into my room without knocking on a saturday morning. plus, mr. kim gets up every morning and makes these disgusting hawking sounds into the toilet. it's 6 feet from my head.

according to jay, mark and lex i am the only english teacher in korea living with his director. it's been tolerable at best but it has to come to an end. if i'm going to be wakened by a five year old on a saturday, it's going to be MY five year old, then i can BEAT said five year old.

2. i found a chocolate bar called "CRUNKY" in home mart yesterday. for those of you uninitiated, "crunk" is the first shit of the day. "crunky" is also what they're calling that deep south hiphop. not funky but crunky.

3. i talked to lex spahr on the phone last night. more foreign friends, more allies. perhaps i will visit masan soon.


i'm still poised and ready to leave this place if i don't get paid, in full, on the 12th. other than that, i'm subject to a few discomforts but in general okay.

i skateboarded for the first time today. just to school and back. the roads around here are so bad i think they're made of full blown AIDS. i landed one weak varial kickflip and still am hopeless at nollie heelflips. shit, since i fucked my ankle up i can barely ollie 1.5 feet anymore. it sucks. plus i weigh 185 pounds. crap.